I was soaking in the tub last night and pondering how to motivate two of my characters to go where I wanted them to go in my novel’s new chapter. Instead of logical or even decent ideas, the only ones that came to mind were paper thin. They practically scream, “You’ll go here because I told you to!” Like stubborn children, of course, they dug in their heels and refused.

So I decided to amuse them with a list of the worst, hackneyed, or borrowed motivations instead. The good news is they must have been fairly amused because a good idea decided to come along, too. So, for your amusement, I present the best of the worst.

They go to (place):

• because three ghosts–past, present, and future–visited them in the night.
• because they made the Kessel run in 12 parsecs.
• because a group of Nazis shot his father in the stomach, and he has to use the Holy Grail to save his life.
• because Shia LaBeouf saw it in a comic once.
• because he has Dead Pool’s/Wolverine’s healing factor and can’t be killed.
• because he just found out that he is the last of a near invincible race.
• because he volunteered as tribute.
• because he hopes his vampire and wolf boyfriends will be there–even though he can’t choose between them.
• because, sorry, Mario, but your Princess is in another castle.
• because he bought a junker car that, to his surprise, can transform into a robot.
• because when he checked the killer’s hook was still hanging from the door…
• because he’s getting the band back together.
• because he’s about to crack this case wide open.
• because it was a dark and stormy night.
• because: “KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!”